I'm just going to jump right into this and pretend I haven't ignored blogging for almost four months - yikes. If you're someone who needs an excuse for an absence, let's just use the "college is super hard and stressful and I hate life when I'm in school" one for now.

Yesterday I discovered, with the help of my future Disney roomie - shoutout to Kara, this amazing website: NoiseTrade. Well, amazing to someone who likes to feel like they know more music than other people (aka me, also know as 'a music snob' - sorry about it.) If you don't know, NoiseTrade is a website where artists can put their music up for free downloads to help build a fan base and earn recognition; it's practically a small section of Heaven. Anyway, I spent hours upon hours listening to random artists and downloading their EPs, singles, and albums. Once I had composed a new folder on my desktop full of 500+ new songs, I began to go through and weed out what I liked and what I didn't like.

As I went through each artist, I stopped to think about them, as cheesy and weird as it sounds. I would look up them on social media to see how popular they were. The results obviously varied from well known to unknown. I started to feel bad for those who had less follows on social media than me because let's be real, I'm no one special and 60% of my Twitter followers are old "Jonas Brothers' fandom" accounts from 2008. That means these people didn't even have inactive accounts to boost their ego up some.

Then a funny thing happened. I realized that these people shouldn't be worried about followers and mentions and notices and all that junk that in the end makes no difference. These bands or solo artists are probably thankful that they even get to pursue their passion daily- or they should be.

Think about it. These people wake up every morning and most of them probably go to some office job that they don't really like or feel happy with, but at the end of the day they get to come home and play music or upload music to a website that will build them a fan base. Maybe it's discouraging at times, actually I'm sure it is because that's life, but in the end passion should conquer pride.

This mindset or epiphany or whatever we call it has messed with my mind for the past 24 hours. Sure, I know that writing a book has done and continues to do more for me than anything in my life thus far, but that doesn't stop me from longing it'll be picked up by millions of people one day. And yes, I think it's more than okay to dream of things like that; I encourage it actually. All I'm saying is that your passion is just that - YOURS. If you let the numbers, popularity, or acceptance overshadow the healing or happiness it brings to you, you're doing it wrong.

Passions aren't about shallow words that others will like. Passions are about self-acceptance and appreciation.

Resolutions have always been something that I wrote down on New Year's Eve, stuffed in a box, and let fade away after the new year hype was gone. I don't know that I've ever completed a goal that I've written down. I want this year to be different. I'm already making so many changes within my attitude and beliefs that I want to keep going with more aspects of my life.

Instead of letting these goals fade away in a journal that was never written in again after January 6th, I'm going to post these somewhere that I am forced to look at them everyday and push myself to complete them.

My goals range from basic to personal to almost odd, but that's okay. These goals are the things that I want to accomplish for myself, not for anyone else.

I want to do something adventurous.
Most of my life has been going through a daily routine of sitting around, watching tv, eating badly, and writing or editing on my computer. Living like this has caused me to build a bubble of fear and anxiety around anything slightly outdoorsy, especially now that I've hit college. I want to push my comfort zone and try something new that I've always been afraid to do. (I'm really thinking surfing lessons. Yikes!)

I want to put more into my passions.
I've found many of my passions since being in college, and I'm so proud. I know I love Photoshop, video editing, and writing stories. I know I have a huge heart for concerts/music festivals and Disney. I may not know exactly where this passions are going to take more or how long the journey to success will be, but I'm ready to invest myself into them 110%.

I want to keep developing my own style.
For the past few years my style has gone through so many different phases it's scary. Sometimes I wanted to be boho chill then retro then preppy then edgy then a bum then a hippie. I'm finally starting to develop this merged style of an edgy hippie that lives near a beach. When you think about it, that's basically me anyway. This goal may seem silly to a lot of people, but changing styles so many times was for others - not for myself. When my style kept changing for others, I was losing myself. I never got a chance to be Kelsey because I was only being the idea of Kelsey that everyone else liked. There would be some days when I would cry myself to sleep because I was so confused about who I was supposed to be. This in itself affected every other aspect of my life, especially when it came to sticking with a major.

I want to attend more concerts (+ warped tour).
Hello, this is one of the things I want to do with my life and I've only been to a handful of concerts. Instead of spending extra money on fast food and movies I don't need, I want to put it aside for a concert.

I want to self publish my first book.
This is one of my biggest goals this year. I've been in the process of writing a novel for about six months. I haven't been putting as much work in it as I should, but that's going to change this year. I want to work on it a little every day and try to have it out by the beginning of summer.

I want to make a memory jar.
This is such a great way to remember all the good, hilarious, and positive things that have happened throughout the year.

Clean eating + more yoga.
Yes, this is the most basic goal of all time, but it's so important. I want to get my body in the best shape it can be in. Why keep feeding my body processed trash? I can only do so much and feel so confident when I'm unhealthy. That's been a personal struggle for years.

Keep the positive vibes flowing.
I'm already making so many positive changes in my life it seems silly to stop now and let negativity flow back into my thoughts. Meditation and positive thinking are my new best friends.

Stop treating resolutions like rules.
I firmly believe that most people don't complete resolutions and goals because they take them too seriously. They stress about finishing then completely give up. I want to look at my goals as experiences that I GET to complete. It's a blessing to be alive and well enough to mark these items off of a goal list.

I'm not really sure what's been going on the past few days, but it's like my mindset has changed more than ever. I've simply been thinking about my future. What a shock, right? (I'm seriously hoping you're picking up on the thick sarcasm I'm laying down right now.)

All I've wanted to do for the past year is work in music. I've just wanted to run, produce, plan, and organize a huge music festival. All I wanted this festival to do was help teens and young adults (maybe even some adults) escape their fears, pressures, and anxieties for just a few days.

Then I started to think: what if I can do more than that?
What if this festival is so much more than an escape?
What if it's a healing process or an event that brings light to rough situations?
Who says I can't do that?

But then again I know exactly who. Myself.

I've never been able to accept success, only failure. I assume I'm going to fail or I'm not good enough, so I simply don't try. I've given up on so many situations over the past few years that it terrifies me.
I've given up on friendships, opportunities, events, and even some grades due to the idea that failing while trying is worse than simply giving up. And that, my friends, is so wrong of me.
I'm not saying that I've completely changed over the past week and I'll never be afraid or give up again, but I genuinely feel happy to be alive again. I've started to feel joy from the simple things: looking at the stars, lazing around, or driving down back roads.

My passions and dreams have been strengthened - some of you didn't even know that was possible.
I'm finding my love for writing and video editing and graphic design; my creativity is flowing.
I'm wanting to travel and experience this world that God created.
I'm wanting to make adventures and pick up new skills.
I wanting to try things I've always been afraid of - shout out to surfing and standup paddleboarding.
I'm wanting to take better care of myself and expand my mind.
I'm wanting to help others.
And I couldn't be more proud of myself.

So who says I, or you or anyone, can't do the things that we love or crave?
Go out and be who you are. Create your own journey and document every second of it.

Maybe it's the stress of final exams and the pressure to ace them all that has brought me to tears and Jonas Brothers music videos, or maybe it's a huge wave of procrastination that's finally hitting me. Either way, I've been sitting here for the past hour on YouTube clicking from music video to music video then smiling then crying then smiling again - it's quite annoying to be honest. I'm not even sure when I started to cry; I didn't notice until a few minutes ago.

But why, why cry?
I'm not exactly sure myself.

Maybe it's because every time I clicked a new video, a new set of memories would come along with it. It's so weird to see these videos and remember all the emotions I felt when I watched them for the first time or the second time or the fifteenth time if it just happened to be the 'Burning Up' video.

Maybe sleeping for four hours then drinking coffee all day to keep me going was an awful idea for my sanity.

Maybe it's that I just realized those boys really have split up and won't make music as a group anymore which means my childhood, or teenage years, or both is officially over. This means I'll never see their new video then scream or cry or shake or all of the above then swear Joe is going to marry me then swoon so hard my parents wonder if their daughter will ever get a grip on reality (then repeat the cycle five minutes later). Sure, I still do these things as a twenty year old over plenty of bands (though I'm aware it is not socially acceptable - sorry not sorry), but it's not the same anymore. It will never be the same.

Yeah, I'm sad. Yeah, I'm disappointed at this realization. But life goes on.

I'll no longer be the teenager (yes, yes, I'm only twenty - spare the lecture, I get it), but that's okay. The more I think about how much music influenced and affected me growing up, the more excited I get to work in that particular industry.

If I can't be the teenager, I'll be just as happy with being the woman who connects the fans to the band. This is the one thing I know I was put on this earth to do.

I'm not really sure how to end this weird rant, sob fest, shoving my dreams into more words type deal or whatever this is so I'll leave you with this.

"Dreams only work if you do."
AKA, I need to get my butt back to studying for Rise of Europe so I can actually graduate and be successful.



But really, Joe Jonas, if you still want to get married - I'll be your girl.

Or Harry Styles.

Or Logan Henderson.

I'm pathetic. Bye.